As you might have noticed, the first post on here is dated April 2024! I’ve spent far too long overthinking this Substack!

Like so many, I’m in recovery from that plague of pesky p-words: procrastination, perfectionism, proving, performing, and people-pleasing. The result of a lifetime of conditioning from various places. It’s the kind of thing I’d love to explore on here in the future, actually. Because I think about and talk about this stuff all of the time, and I still think it needs talking about more.

The unknown

I nearly said that jumping into the unknown, without a plan, isn’t a natural process for me, but that’s actually a load of bollocks. A story I’m used to telling about myself. The best bits of my life are when I’m able to roll with uncertainty.

I almost never have a plan about how a coaching/therapy session, or a piece of work will go. I’ve just learned over time to trust that if I’m present, paying close attention, and responding in the moment, it will go where it needs to. Not where I think, expect, or believe, it should go. In fact, that’s when it feels most alive, revelatory, surprising, deep, playful and easy.

I should also mention that I took up improvisation seven years ago for the exact same reasons. It’s a joyful, mindful, connecting, creative, experimental, and exhilarating art form. It’s the antidote to all of the P’s! We celebrate mistakes, we trust our feet, we step forward without a plan and we work as a team. I get to play with other people and get back to that state that came so easy as a kid, before all the self-consciousness, rules, fear and shame crept in. Improv is my rebellion from, and my resistance to, all of that mess. Improv skills are life skills as far as I’m concerned.

I believe we are all born with this. Watch any toddler learning to walk. No amount of unsteadiness or repeated face-planting stops them from dusting themselves off and trying again and not knowing how it will work out. Absolutely no shame whatsoever. Failure? What’s that?!

So, I guess this is me attempting to channel my inner toddler, thinking out loud, trying some stuff out, sharing some musings on the themes and things that are present for me, and seeing where this entirely emergent process leads me.

Some thoughts that have stopped me from starting

Am I allowed to merge all of the parts of me into one place? Will that be confusing for people? Aren’t you supposed to niche on here? Is it “unprofessional”? What will all those other therapists and coaches think? What the hell do I call this? What do I call myself? What if clients see it? What if my family sees it?

What if I think I’m a far better writer than I actually am? What if people think I’m really boring? What if no-one reads it? What if someone reads it? What if I completely embarrass myself and feel so much shame that I have to crawl into a hole and stay there until I die? What if no-one wants to work with me anymore? What if I change my mind about something?

I’m sharing that because a) it feels like a relief to, b) I want to find my way back to writing the way I used to (and the way I need to), and c) because I have no desire to claim any kind of authority on this stuff. I am absolutely not here to give advice, assume some kind of guru role, or have that expected of me. I’m just an ever-changing, fellow life expeditioner with endless curiosity, a shit ton of questions to ponder on, and a few hard-earned nuggets to share occasionally. This Substack is for me, first and foremost.

Me and writing

When I was little, I bloody loved reading and writing. Short stories, silly little limericks in birthday cards, poems, songs, jokes, and reflections I couldn’t help it. I wrote to amuse myself. To connect to others. To express myself. To be in relationship with myself, To know myself. To make the unconscious conscious. It was my therapy long before I even knew what that was.

At school, I enjoyed some aspects of English Literature and Language, but my eyes were truly opened to the way the world worked during in my sociology classes. I didn’t enjoy the sociology degree I started and quickly left, but my fascination for sociology (and social justice) has never waned.

I didn’t really know what else to pick, so my Head of Year at school told me not to worry and just pick a subject that I could bear studying for three years. So, I took a degree in English and Drama (the Drama part of the degree is a story for a different day). Great. Except I stopped reading for a good decade after that. I was clueless about that came after university and kind of fell into Marketing and Communications because I thought it would be creative and interesting. It really didn’t satisfy that criteria for me, and writing and editing copy and content in various sectors for 13 years absolutely killed my love of writing.

So this is me, 10+ years after my last communications role, reconnecting to what my voice and authentic self-expression sounds like. Noticing when I contort myself, or compartmentalise parts of myself to fit in, be palatable, likeable, uncontroversial, small and safe. Not apologising for being, or having things I want to say, speak for, and ponder on out loud. Accepting that I am an ever-evolving shapeshifter - never finished, and always whole. Sitting with the discomfort of uncertainty, complexity, grey areas and nuance. Allowing myself to be seen in the process of not knowing, not having answers. Allowing myself to be seen, full stop.

That’s enough for now. Thanks for reading!

Nafeeza xx

Why the scribble?

I heard about this method in a journaling workshop years ago from Sasha at frankandfeel on Instagram. I don’t think she is on there anymore, but if she sees this, shoutout to her! Anyway, you know that feeling when you buy a lovely new notebook and the pressure of making that first page perfect almost stops you from starting? Well, just scribble on it and ‘spoil’ it from the start. It takes the power out of these impossible standards we’ve been conditioned into.

I have to work extremely hard, all of the time (!), to not give in to this perfectionist compulsion, so this is one of my ways of trying to break the spell of a lifetime of conditioning that’s disconnected me from my unfiltered voice.

See you in the next post!

Nafeeza

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